Colm O'Regan's blog

Talk the Line: Colm O'Regan's guide to making small talk that doesn't involve the weather.

13/01/12 at 07:03 AM | 0 Comments

“Oh shur don’t be talking t’me…. I know… Oh I know… Compared to last year…. Oh wasn’t it terrible…………… So that’s the way now…………… Well I’ll let you go now Brid, I’m here in Penney’s. Bye now. Bye. ByeBye…Bye.”

The woman hangs up and looks a little lost. I catch her eye and I feel as if we both have the same thought. “The weather has been terrible for small-talk.

Life Coach.

06/01/12 at 12:06 AM | 0 Comments

“Are you going to town tonight?”

“I might do”

“How are you getting home?”

“I’ll get the late bus”

“It’s gone”

WHAT?!

“Oh that’s gone with a good while”

The late bus is no more. After four years of tightening our belts, cutting extra notches on belts to assist further tightening then finally selling our belts and replacing them with baler twine, the demise of one more rural service should not be a big shock. Yet I still feel a pang in my heart for the disappearance of The Late Bus.

The Twelve

22/12/11 at 12:01 AM | 0 Comments

Colm O'Regan predicts the major events of the coming year...

January

The markets continue to be in a bad mood following another failed EU finance summit. Political leaders struggle to reassure them and the head of the ECB Mario Draghi uses his monthy statement to openly ask what’s the matter with them. The markets reply that “It’s nothing. I don’t know, just the time of year, I s'pose, you know. The dark evenings.”  The ECB issues a statement saying “I know what you mean. I’m the same way myself.”  This temporarily placates traders but it isn’t long before they resume selling of Italian bonds saying “it’s therapeutic.

Party Politics: Colm O'Regan on the hidden horror of the annual Christmas shindig.

16/12/11 at 01:20 AM | 0 Comments

Today the office Christmas Party season reaches its peak. You will see revellers everywhere. Shouting and talking shite during the performances at comedy clubs, ordering ‘sure why not’ side dishes in restaurants, crying and talking to the pavement while having their hair held back by a friend, fighting with another office party in a chipper.

Like many big occasions, the best part of the Christmas party is arguably the day at work that precedes it. There are approximately two hours of work done before the organisation loses its tenuous grip on discipline and descends into a loosely connected procession of buying breakfast rolls for ‘soakage’, sitting on the edge of desks discussing where to have the pre-pints and replaying some highlights from last year’s do.

Cold call: Colm O'Regan on why unexpected visitors make Cork people uncomfortable.

09/12/11 at 12:03 AM | 0 Comments

No we’d love to see ye!” Smiles. “No that’s no problem at all. Sure if you’re passing ye might as well call in.” More smiles. “Ok, bye bye!” Pause. “No honestly it’s grand. Bye Bye” Hang up phone. The smile on my wife’s face has now been replaced by a look of horror. “Tommy and Mary are in the area. They’re going to be here in 10 minutes!

We love Tommy and Mary. But not now. It’s Sunday afternoon and the house is showing the cumulative effects of a week of small but vital decisions to leave things lying around rather than tidying them away.

The detritus of the week’s dinners make the kitchen surfaces look like the remains of a mediaeval midden. I half-expect to see Tony Robinson and the Time Team painstakingly scraping around the plates with tiny trowels to uncover the secrets of our present.

Budget Regard: Colm O'Regan on how the Government can raise money from us in ways we won’t mind.

02/12/11 at 12:44 AM | 0 Comments

It will be over soon. The kite-flying and the boat-floating. The low-hanging fruit and the hard choices being made for poor people by wealthy people. The budget is nigh.

Too many cooks: Colm O'Regan attempts to woo his wife with a homemade vegetable soup.

25/11/11 at 07:08 AM | 0 Comments

Her face flicks through a range of expressions – some involuntary, some manufactured. Hopeful Grimacing. Thoughtful. Puzzled. And then back to Optimistic as she continues the tasting. “Ptsep-Ptsep-Ptsep –  it’s nice…em… maybe it needs more salt.

If the soup had any more added salt, it would get its own special rate of VAT in the budget. But I think my wife is just being kind. She doesn’t want to be too discouraging. She sees my initial attempts at cooking as being like the first few episodes of many light entertainment programmes on Irish television – ill-conceived and bland but at least deserves a chance to improve.

Selling Out: Colm O'Regan on how to deal with door-to-door salespeople

17/11/11 at 11:58 PM | 0 Comments

I’ve never been good with salespeople. Not only are they very self-aware, they also seem to know a lot more about me than I do – like what I need.

When you work from home you meet a lot of people selling various things. Each has a different approach. Members of the Travelling community are the easiest to deal with. They don’t seem to have the time for sales patter. Whether they are selling eggs, (“Do you want eggs?” ”I’m grand for eggs” “No bother” ) or pillows (“Do you want pillows?” “I’m grand for pillows” “No bother” ), they treat both rejection and success with equanimity.

Group Theory: Colm O'Regan on the lesser known collective nouns

11/11/11 at 12:37 AM | 0 Comments

Every now and then a news story will shine a light on a quirk of the English language. In the last ten days, the quirk was the collective noun. The gasps and OMGs of two English women as they kayaked on Lough Derg was the backing-track to a hitherto not often-mentioned collective phenomenon – a murmuration of starlings.

The word murmuration refers to the sound thousands of starling wings make as they beat the air while wheeling and turning at breathtaking speed. Although equally it could be the sound of hundreds of starlings muttering under their breath: “Does anyone know why we are doing this?

Floored: Colm O'Regan's got the moves like Jagger

04/11/11 at 12:04 AM | 0 Comments

It’s been some time. The conditions have not been right. There was always somewhere else to be, someone to talk to, the wrong shoes, the wrong floor, the music did not have the requisite level of funk. But now the planets are aligned. A seven-piece brass band called Brass Roots is playing OutKast and I gots me some rubber soles. Someone has thoughtfully spilt a pint on the floor, making it all ‘James-Brown-slidey’. That’s right punk, I’m dancing.

It’s a primeval instinct. Images of humans waggling their bottoms and waving their arms have been depicted in cave paintings that are 11000 years old, but dance goes much further back than that. No one knows exactly when humans first started dancing. Unlike painting or other forms of cultural expression it doesn’t leave any trace. There are no fossilised remains of discarded high heels or clusters of handbags.

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