Colm O'Regan's blog

There it was, gone: Colm O'Regan, St. Anthony and the lost iPhone

10/05/12 at 11:59 PM |

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Pat. Pat . Pat. Jacket pockets? No. Trouser Pockets? No.

”Is it in the car?”

“No I’ve checked the car”

“Are you sure it isn’t in your pocket?”

” YES OF COURSE I’VE LOOKED IN MY POCKET. IT’S NOT A MAGIC POCKET!”

As you are no doubt aware, each week this column tries to tackle an issue of global importance so that you will be better able to understand the machinations of the world around us.

Slipped Up: Colm celebrates his birthday by going wild in the slippers department.

03/05/12 at 11:52 PM |

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Today, it’s my birthday and the postman has brought my present. I open the box without any regard to reusing the packaging. It’s exactly what I asked for: Slippers.

Not just any slipper: ‘Freshfeet Suede Warm Lined Driving Moccasins with Silver Technology’ from Marks and Spencer, to be precise. I’ve always felt that I would become the kind of man who needs driving moccasins. They could change my life. Just now, I’m imagining wearing a pair, while leaning on the verandah of house in the Côte d'Azur having written another chapter in my Great American Novel about a hurler who goes on a voyage of self-discovery called ‘Take The Points And The Goals Will Come.’

Disc Parking: Colm O'Regan on the irreplaceable draw of the local record store

26/04/12 at 11:55 PM |

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I remember it well – the first thing I ever bought in a record shop. Closing Time by Tom Waits, his debut album. On vinyl, no less. I’d like to be able to say that this was an impulsive purchase by someone who had been a fan of Waits since a toddler but it was not. One of the reasons I remember it was because as a twelve-year-old with notions, I bought it with half an eye on my legacy. So that one day, I would be interviewed on the Late Late about some – as yet unspecified - amazing achievement and I could reveal a further layer to my personality by telling Gay what a cool first record I bought. Everyone would say to me: “Weren’t you fierce clever for a young fella altogether to be buying Tom Waits. Here’s a biscuit. “

Cutting Remarks: Colm O'Regan on the dwindling popularity of the newspaper cutting

20/04/12 at 07:03 AM |

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“You might be interested in this.” Long before Browsers, Bookmarks, Favourites, spam links which said “You really should watch this” (and then sent an email to everyone in your address book of a scantily clad female), Digg or Reddit, there was The Cutting.

These pieces of newspaper – photocopied or original - with the accompanying handwritten note at the top, are rarer now. That’s a pity. It’s a gratifying moment when you get a letter that effectively says “I saw this and I thought of you”. Although that jarred somewhat with the headline on one clipping we received years ago in Dripsey: “Hanged For Poisoning His Wife”. Thankfully the sender was referring to the 19th century Doctor Cross of Shandy Hall, not to any simmering tension he’d noticed in our house.

Not As Advertised

13/04/12 at 07:14 AM |

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It’s completely understandable. We’ve all done it. You’re on a skiing holiday in the Rocky Mountains in the same area where they make Coors Light. You’re with a group of lads enjoying the last few years of their kidulthood. On a jaunt to the nearest pub you come to a fork in the snowy path. With the words of Robert Frost’s poem – The Road Not Taken – ringing in the group’s ears, you decide to have a race and split into two groups, each taking one path. Then you canter through the snow having hilarious craic, throwing snowballs to divert signs, flooding the path with water to create an ice-barrier, encountering a bear and finally you top it all off with a hair-raising slide down the mountain in a dugout canoe. All in an effort to get to the pub first.

TV Winners: Colm O'Regan revisits the television hits of his youth.

05/04/12 at 11:57 PM |

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Contrary to the old saying, nostalgia these days is better than it ever was. This week, RTE’s TV50 began Children’s Classic month on the RTE website Player. Some of the programmes are very familiar. Misty-eyed smirking at Bosco is a relatively mature sport and there are a number of well-worn tropes: Why were the only two things on the other side of the magic door the zoo and the sausage factory? And what acid-soaked genius came up with The Plonksters? Oh look, do you see Yer Wan giving the Humanist greeting at Michael D’s inauguration, wasn’t that Suzy from Bosco? There are few enough surprises when watching the six Boscos, apart from unintended hilarity during the baking episode where Bosco declares him/her/itself so hungry, “I could eat my box”.

Well Sprung

30/03/12 at 02:07 PM |

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Colm O'Regan on the week's most popular topic: the weather

“I KNOW. And it’s STILL MARCH, like.”

Has there ever been a week like this one? Warm weather and sunshine with no equivocation, with no caveat from the weather forecasters. No mentions of: “Mainly dry apart from some showers but they’re mainly confined to western and northwestern areas” (as if these areas were being held by the rebels so it didn’t matter). There were some sea-breezes for the East coast – serves the hoors right. After a few years of getting nothing but grief, patronising advice and super levies from Europe, for a whole week all we got was a gentle blast of warm air that blew directly from a summer holiday campsite in Bordeaux.

With it came the sunshine. Such sunshine! There weren’t merely cloudless days. Clouds boycotted the sky as if it were a household charge.

Navel Exercises: Colm O'Regan on our obsession with being Irish

22/03/12 at 11:58 PM |

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St. Patrick’s Day – It was a day to celebrate but of course it had its darker side. As usual the authorities and various representative groups issued pleas for restraint but more often than not, it was ignored.

Up and down the country, inside and outside, openly with young children present, adults took part in this behaviour, often to excess. The media didn’t help either. You couldn’t scan a page of a newspaper or turn on a television without being shamelessly encouraged to indulge. And it’s getting worse.

Argumentality

16/03/12 at 07:04 AM |

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Colm O'Regan gets assertive in the library...

“Hello? Hello JAY? Yeah. I’m in the library mate… Yeah…No I can talk. How are you?..” Alright? [Laughs] Aw mate, my head is killing me… Yeah…big night. [Laughs]”

I stiffen. If I had hackles they would start rising. I too am in the library, trying to concentrate on some hilarious and thought-provoking commentary on the human condition (or knob gags, whichever is easier). Concentration is difficult because the man is still talking.

“Yeah, I don’t know what’s going to happen… I tried to ring Gary at work but no answer so I just left a message.”

His voice is so loud I’d say Gary heard him at work without any phone. Then it gets ridiculous.

Dressing Down: Colm O'Regan wonders whether stereotypes are as offensive as they used to be.

08/03/12 at 11:55 PM |

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“He’s just a stereotype, He drinks his age in pints” - ‘Stereotype’ (The Specials)

That’s just typical of stereotypes – always upsetting people. This week’s controversy was brought to you by Urban Outfitters. The international hipster organisation sparked fury (the only way to start a fury is apparently by sparking it) with a new line of T-Shirts with slogans like “Irish I Were Drinking” and “Kiss Me, I’m Drunk, Or Irish, Or Whatever.” There is also a range depicting a silhouette of a girl on all fours vomiting under the slogan “Irish Yoga”. (Actually that one’s quite funny)