The end of 'us'

Nick Bramhill talks to relationship counsellor Lisa O'Hara about her new book, which explores the complexity of feelings involved in breaking up with a long-term partner.

It's a traumatic and complex event that’s been likened to a ‘living death’. Many people who are separating from their long-term partner will wonder how they got to this point. Where did it all go wrong? Why did the relationship not go the distance, while other couples stayed together? How do I move on from here?

Following a bitter separation, searching for answers to these questions can become a preoccupying pastime, as those affected desperately try to find a meaning and a way to move on from such a devastating experience. But for anyone about to divorce or go their separate ways after the ending of a long-term relationship, help - both emotionally and practically - is finally at hand.

One of Ireland’s most experienced relationship counsellors has just written an empathetic guide, based on her vast experience of advising individuals through often messy and emotionally traumatic break-ups.

The book, ‘When a Relationship Ends’, explores the complexity of feelings involved in breaking up with a long-term partner and how to manage leading up to, during and following separation and uses stories based on the real-life experiences of individuals to illustrate the main points.

But author Lisa O’Hara, from Relationships Ireland, makes no attempts to sugar-coat the nadir that some couples sink to when breaking up when she likens the experience to a ‘living death’.

She says: “The difference between death through bereavement and the death of a relationship is that your partner is still alive, which can make it a more complex loss form from which to recover.”

As in death, time is a great healer, meaning separating couples should mourn and accept that the process of separating does not take place overnight.

“Just like love, separation has many stages or phases. It is not an event. It does not happen on one day and then it’s done. It’s a marathon rather than a sprint. It is true that along the way we can develop a resilience that keeps us going, even if we have to stop and take a breather for a while.